Monday, February 6, 2012

The Not So Fun Anniversaries

So today we hit a date that I am not particularly happy about. As of today, we have officially been in IBESR (Haitian Social Services) and awaiting approval so we can move forward in the adoption process for 8 months. When I say 8 months it doesn't seem like a truly long time. But when you live 8 months, waiting for an email or a phone call that you have moved forward, it gets long! It has has been 8 months since we have had any update on our adoption file because nothing happens until we get out of IBESR. And when I think of it that way, it feels even longer.

At the end of last week I was stuck on a very low point in all of this. Not only had my patience run out, I was very angry. Mad at the world. Mad at Haiti. Mad at everything. Just so upset that I have to keep living life without one huge part of it with me. I didn't want to make plans. I didn't want to move forward at all. Because it feels unfair to move forward without Hugo here with us. We talked of things to do as a family and it just made me more upset. This happens a lot but never quite as severely as it hit me last week. I even got to a point that I didn't believe that he was ever coming home. That is when Rob stepped in. He is pretty good about staying silent and letting me vent or do my crazy mom thing. But he calmly talked to me and said, without any doubt or uncertainty, that Hugo will be home someday and things will be ok. He is the rock. He is the level headed one that will keep me from being committed.

And I know that what he was saying is true. I feel that in my heart. I feel guilt for losing faith in all this. And the guilt I felt for feeling like he would never be here, was a little overwhelming. But the sad fact in all of this is that anger does nothing productive. Sure, it makes me crazy and a little scary to be around, but who wants that? It does nothing to move things forward or bring Hugo home. So I had to let it go. I have to move forward. Because that is the only thing that makes sense and is fair to Adriana, Rob and me. And to Hugo. He deserves for me to stay strong and positive and productive in this journey to get him home.

So today I am trying to change my attitude, not let the demons get the best of me. To move forward on a positive note. The 8 month mark is not really helping that. But we knew that this could take long. Our time frame for IBESR was 4 months to 24. So the reality is, we are not even half way to the worst case scenario. But as with everything, I saw people getting through this part in 2 to 4 months and it gave me hope that it would happen for us too. But it hasn't. And well. I have to be ok. I have no other option.

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