If only my adoption was as easy as adopting on TV

So this post is going to reveal my love for cheesy, teenage, CW dramas. That is right. I love them. I will be 35 next month and I watch shows that target a 16 to 24 year old demographic. But this really isn't a post about confessions. :) So I shall move on...About a month ago on the show One Tree Hill a character, who found out last year she could not birth children, and her husband decided they would adopt. I must say, the speech her husband gave on the show to convince her to adopt was amazing. I actually even sent a tweet to the star (ok another confession, I love Twitter and she directly responded to me which made my day) in support of the story line. It was so beautiful and heartfelt and I was so excited for the show to take on an adoption journey.

***Before I go any further, let me write a disclaimer.....I realize that this is TV and they cannot drag things out for 2 years like real life and have to solve their issues in 1 hour a week. I get that. I didn't expect it to be as painfully long as it is in real life.***

The next week's show had them doing their home study. Only it took like a day and they met a birth mom (it is a domestic adoption). They left that feeling hopeful and excited. The next day on the show, the birth mom showed up at their house. (OK that would never happen. No way.) Of course the potential adoptive mom was drinking a beer and having fun with her friends and all sorts of kooky things about her past slipped out of their mouths, mortifying the birth mom. So a heartfelt speech to the birth mom followed about her past and how she had changed and the birth mom immediately decided she was going to give them their baby. Tears, happiness and screams ensued.

So in the last episode that I watched yesterday, the baby was doing great and ahead of schedule and decided to come a month early. Cut to shot of excited and nervous birthparents still trying to decide on paint colors for the baby's room and freaking out they won't have the room done. But it is ok, they go to the hospital and pick up their baby.

And scene! In 3 weeks of episodes, and in only 2 weeks of actual time gone by on the show, they decided to adopt, got a baby and are bringing the baby home. If only it were that easy. Like I said before, I knew it wouldn't be as long as the real process, but I think I expected them to show the pain of waiting and how hard it is to wait for your adoptive child and that it is a long and serious process. And at least take more than THREE weeks of episodes to play out the adoption story.

I have noticed that a lot of shows lately with adoption stories follow this model. I am sure it always has but my life situation has now made me hypersensitive and aware of all things adoption all the time (and believe me, I thought it was before. Being an adopted child I have always gravitated interest towards these story lines.) And I don't think my problem is with the shows per say, but maybe my own frustration in the wait of us getting matched with our child. I know adoption is a long process. I know time frames given are really broad and normally aren't accurate. I know. I have tried to prepare myself and learn that this will test every bit of patience I have in me. I have also reminded myself this is all happening in the way it is supposed to and that in the end, it will be so amazing it won't matter. But right now, I am truly frustrated. We were told at the beginning of December that we should be matched within a couple weeks with our child. I knew that it was probably unreasonable, but still had some hope. Cut to a month later, the beginning of January, when we were given a list of children and narrowed it down to 2. We were told by narrowing it down to 2 we would get paperwork and their files faster and if not, it would still be a couple months. Cut to a couple months later, still waiting for said files that wouldn't take 2 months. Our dossier has been completed, translated and certified and cannot move any farther at this point. Two weeks ago we were told that things were moving and we would have the file anyday. Well today is still any day and I still have nothing.

So I guess my frustration lies within being so close, yet feeling so far from progress. I know that is the process of adoption and this will not be the last time I am frustrated, but for tonight, I am going to be. I am going to wish I lived in a world of make believe where a baby comes to you in 2 weeks. (and side note, when my parents adopted me, they had me within 2 months of making the decision. So it can happen fast in the real world. But very, very, very rare. And don't think right now I am not bitter at them too for getting their baby so fast. ha ha)

So tonight I am mad. But tomorrow I will get out of bed, put back on my optimistic game face and hope that tomorrow is "any day" and we will get the information we need to move forward and get our son.

Stupid TV.

Getting back to the real reason I write this blog...

Updates! This should probably excite you and make you think I have an update, alas I do not.

We are still waiting on files for 2 little boys. Our Adoption Coordinator is going to Haiti this Friday and said that he would physically bring back their files for us. I tried like mad to get him to take me with him, but it isn't going to happen. Ok, I didn't try that hard but I did ask a couple times...if I had more time and been more prepared I would have begged, pleaded and bribed with him to go.

Once we get these files, Rob and I have a lot of talking and figuring out to do, which I am hoping happens quickly. The rough thing about having these boys pictures for the last 2 months is that we both have become so familiar with their faces and I have fallen in love with both of them and would, in a world where money was no object, bring them both home. But that can't happen so we are going to have to decide. I am hoping it will be similar to how we came to pick these 2 boys and that we will just know and be guided in the right direction. Decisions aren't easy for me when we are planning to go out to eat, so you can imagine how much this one has weighed on me and will continue to do so.

If all goes well, our paperwork will be sent to the Embassy as soon as we match and it takes about a month to process. Once we get that case number, we can plan our first "Bonding Trip" to Haiti. They have 2 groups going in June so I am hoping that we can be going on one of those. This trip will be the trip we get to meet our son and then going in front of the courts to declare our intentions to adopt him.

I am hoping that we will have several opportunities to go back after that. I can't imagine being away from him for 18 months. Plus, we will not bring Adriana on this first trip, so I fully intend to get back with her sometime so she can be a part of it and meet him and help with her understanding of all of this.

Stay tuned....

Lessons I am slowly learning

My last post (rant) was about people being hurtful, saying means things and making me feel bad about the journey that we are on. I wrote it when I was in a very vulnerable place and had a long weekend with many comments and opinions thrown at me all at once. At places that I couldn't imagine having such conversations. I was a bit angry. A little feisty. Maybe a tad bit charged up.

As I write this, I stand by what I said. But as much as I seemed to condemn people for making me feel bad or being ignorant, I need to also remember who I can be. Someone who can be compassionate towards others for not always knowing what to say and to use this as an experience to educate, be positive and not judge others.

Adoption seems common to me and something that everyone knows about. I tend to forget that being an adopted child, it is common to me because it is my life. And I have always had an interest in it, so it is something I have been up to date on and always tried to learn more about. I tend to forget that not everyone has a connection to it, knows someone that is adopted or even has read anything about it. Most people's knowledge of adoption is through celebrities with the likes of Madonna, Angelina and Brad and others.

So that being said, I think I can be unfair at times that everyone needs to be sensitive to my feelings when it comes to this. I know a lot of people are just trying to help and want to know more and by me being upset, walking away or chastising them, is not helpful and only hurts the progress of people understanding.

Last night we were at a charity event for Pandas International and there was a lady with two little black boys that she had adopted. They were absolutely adorable and while I wanted to talk to her about it and find out their story, I realized that maybe not all people want to be bothered. I think it is like when you are pregnant. Random people that you don't know tend to tell you way too much information, give you way too much advice and often try to touch your tummy. Which to me was mortifying. Who does that? Well, once you have experienced pregnancy, you realize it is a lot of people. Maybe being constantly questioned about your adopted children is the same thing as pregnancy belly rubbing.

I guess my lesson to myself here is this. To get people to understand, accept and celebrate my family I have to be willing to be compassionate, open and honest but without judgment and anger. To be accepting of questions and inquiries about my family and be proud of the family I have created. Because for us it will be normal. Our normal.

I need to also learn the balance between being the fierce momma bear that will fight to the death for my kids and being compassionate and understanding towards others and realizing they don't always have bad intentions.

This could take a while. :)

Hurtful Opinions, Advice and a bit of Positivity

So I know that I need to toughen up and get used to hurtful opinions in life. It is true of everyone. No matter what choices you make or what path you choose, someone is there to criticize and knock you down. The worst part of it is, it is usually the ones that love us and just want to "help". I have been known to do it. I am sad to say that and will try hard not to do that in the future. Sometimes I think people can't see truth and don't want to hear it, but these aren't the times I am talking about. I am talking about unwanted and unsolicited advice on things that should be happy and positive, that people would like to see the negative in.

Growing up as an adopted child, I have heard a lot of hurtful things said about it. How could you be loved as much as someone's biological children? You are not really their child. Fortunately I grew up in a situation where I always felt loved by my parents and never felt inferior in their eyes to my siblings. (Not because I was adopted anyway. Maybe because I liked to get into trouble. ha ha ha) But I do know some adopted children did feel this way. I have met them. I have talked to them. I feel for them. What an awful way to live. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. As I have said before, being adopted left me with a feeling of rejection. Not by my parents, but that there is someone out there that didn't want me. I know in my head that it was a good decision and that it was the decision that my biological mother had to make at the time, but it leaves you with a feeling of abandonment none the less. I can't imagine, on top of that, feeling like your adoptive family didn't want you either or that you weren't good enough.

These kind of comments were never said to me directly, but have been said in general around me. By people that have no idea I am adopted (I tend to not wear a sign) and by those that do know. And while I would like to say it is ignorance, I also think some people do not have the capacity to bring a child into their home that isn't related by blood and raise them. I think that for some people, it seems like an impossibility. I am happy to say that my family is not one of those people and that I am so thankful that there are so many people in the world that this does not apply to. There are so many people out there that can love a child no matter what and can give them all the love they need and deserve.

That being said, as we started on our adoption journey, we have already had our fair share of "advice" and "words of truth." And some people have just been plain mean. And I know once we do bring our child home, we will meet this kind of advice and hurtful comments over and over again. Some people do not understand adoption and do not understand adopting outside of one's race. I have been told that people don't understand what we are doing. I have been told that people cannot believe we are going to adopt a black child. And why wouldn't we adopt a child in the US? Why not help kids here?

I guess I have this to say. What we are doing, is not a negative thing to me in any way, shape or form. Rob and I are so excited to open our house to another child and make them our own and we do not care where they came from, who they are or the color of their skin. Growing a family through adoption is such a great and positive thing to me. We are so excited and truly cannot wait.

Now with that being said, I know we are going to travel a tough road. I know we need to get tougher skin and that my children will unfortunately have to as well. I know that with adoption comes great loss and grief for the adopted child. No matter the situation they are in, no matter how dire or sad, it is the life they know and the only life they have probably ever known. They have already had loss in their life and we will be taking them out of their home, causing them another loss. I know that their grief will be considerable. I know they may be angry, sad, frustrated, or scared. I know that I will work my tail off every day to make them feel like they are a part of our family and that we will never abandon them and they will never have those worries again. I know it will be hard. I know it will be tough. I know the road will be long.

And while I don't understand it, I know that some people truly don't "get" what we are doing. Why are we adopting? Why outside the US? Why not just have another child on our own? Well, it is simple really. We want to grow our family. Adoption is a great way and the way for us to do that. It isn't a decision everyone makes, but it is our decision. It is what we want to do. It has been a good thing for both me and Rob's family, and we would like to give another child that same love and hope. An opportunity to grow up with opportunity. To have a chance. To live in an environment where he can makes his own choices. Good positive choices for his life. We are not saviors. We have our own selfish reasons for adopting too. We want another child to love and to give Adriana a brother/sister. And simply we want to do that through adoption.

I know that adopting a black child will open us up to comments, opinions, and negativity from people. I know that, while our house is color blind and we will raise our children to be, that the world isn't. I know it will be hard on our adopted child as well as Ade. I know things will be said and our kids will have to deal with some things that they normally wouldn't. I know there will be challenges.

But for every challenge, we will be there, supporting them, loving them, hugging them. We will be truthful with them. We will protect them and hopefully give them the tools to protect themselves when we are not there. We will try not to lay the burdens of our imperfect world so heavily on their shoulders. We will do everything in my power to ease the pain and make things okay.

We will take on these big challenges and day to day challenges. We will take care of them and love them. And when that isn't enough, we will love them more. And to those who say, if you know it will be so difficult, why do it? Well, because life isn't easy. And no child should suffer for your ignorance.

So thank you for your advice, comments and insults. But we are better off without them.

And on the other side of this, the positive side from the beginning, are the people that have loved and supported us unconditionally. They have been excited for us, nervous with us and happy for us. To those family members and friends, we love you and could not do this without you. For your love and support is exactly what we, and our children, need. And we all so lucky to have you. Thank you.

Update

So things have changed slightly and while we are excited, we are cautious about that excitement.

We got an email from the adoption agency last week that our Dossier has been translated and they are now waiting on us to match with our child so they can get it legalized and sent to Haiti. So our paperwork is moving rather quickly, but now at a halt until we finish the selection process and match with our child.

We also received a letter from Immigration for the US stating that our I600 application was approved and the government deems us fit to parent an orphan. This is exciting news as sometimes we are not sure we are fit to parent our own 3 year old but if the government tells us so, I believe it. :)

So in reaction to this, we received a list about a week ago of all the children available at one of the orphanages. All the list had was a picture, name and birthdate. Typically we would receive full bios on each child but since our paperwork is done and the orphanages are still saying that it will be a couple months for them to complete that information, they decided to send us the list so we could request information on a couple of children and maybe it would come through faster.

It was very exciting. And very sad. The list had children of all ages, from 4 months to 8 years. Many of the children fit our criteria. Which just means we don't care what gender our child will be and are asking for a child between the ages of 0 to 12 months at time of match. This was our original thoughts. Thinking that once we match it will still take a couple years to bring that child home. So we wanted to start as early as possible into their lives.

But as we looked, both Rob and I were drawn to kids of all different ages. I always dreaded this point in the process. Seeing those children. All the ones that are awaiting a family. But both Rob and I were drawn to some of the children immediately and that actually helped quite a bit. And maybe how it is supposed to be.

We have narrowed it down to 2 little boys. We are now awaiting on medical information and such so we can make a decision. I am hoping that we get it all soon but am trying not to put too high of expectations on this.

Hopefully we will have an update soon with a picture and more information and a banner reading, The Child we Have Been Waiting For! :)

Wishing, Hoping, Thinking and Praying

Happy New Year tomorrow everyone!

As the Christmas holiday came and went, so did the weeks with no news on the adoption front. Both Rob and I declared that all we wanted for Christmas was to be matched with our Haitian child, but alas, that did not happen.

We are at the point in the process where our dossier looks great and has been translated to French Creole to send to Haiti. At this point, we can review children in hopes that we can get matched. There are so many orphans in Haiti that Rob and I will likely review many in hopes of finding our child. The thought of this seems exciting, but it actually breaks my heart. I am not sure how I will be able to see the faces and information on so many children and have to choose. Choosing to pick one child over another is a thought that actually makes my stomach turn. How do I look at the profile of a child and decide that I am not going to bring you home and give you the family that you deserve? Not to be dramatic, but it haunts me. And I haven't even started the process.

Unfortunately things in Haiti are getting worse with the spread of Cholera and the rioting because of the elections. Human rights seem to be non existent there. On top of over 1,000,000 people still living in tents because little progress has been made to rebuild from the earthquake. This kind of social unrest leads to information coming out of the country at a snail's pace. We are working with 2 orphanages that have several children that meet our criteria, but they don't think they can get any information to us until late January. Their top priority is keeping the kids safe and healthy. Which we appreciate.

So we wait. Hopefully things will go faster than we expect but until then, we will continue to wait.

A week from today we have our Biometric appointment for Rob and I with Immigration for our I600 application. So things are moving on that end, which is great! Now we will just pray for the other.

No news is....No news

Well since the beginning of the month when we turned in all our adoption paperwork and reviewed our home study, not much has really changed.

I got a receipt from the USCIS department of the government that they received our I600A application. Not so much big news except that the agency was able to get our home study approved by the State of Colorado in time to send in our application before the November 23rd fee increase deadline. This is something I appreciate very much! Any time we can save on fees, it is a win.

I could go on a rant how they spelled our names wrong, first and last, how they spelled Wagon in our address as Wujen and how it is not that easy to get through to the Department of Homeland Security to correct such things....but I won't. I actually ended the day talking with someone very helpful, found out they have a separate department for adoptions and that department responds within minutes, so thus far I am impressed with them.

We will see how far that impressed feeling lasts through this process. :)

So no news. We could be sent a child to review any day but the "two week or sooner" time frame I was told has already come and gone. So we sit. And wait.